alone for years

the first time i fell in love i was not thinking much... so young and unconditional... naked, touching, humping, rolling on each other... so little fear at 4 years old... from then until just a few years ago i was in love and physically sharing love (and sexually active, shared or not) every day of this life... most years i had an active partner, but when i did not, i easily immersed myself in a fantasy of someone, at least visually... unconditional trust and falling in love was just being me...

all that changed just after the millennium changed... i found myself less willing to compromise... but even from a distance, in fantasy, i found myself more challenged to find someone who would inspire me to fall in love... even on the pure physical level, i found myself more challenged to find someone who would turn on libido... and most important of all, i found myself more challenged than ever to find someone who inspired me to want to trust unconditionally... and i write this wondering - do you understand that?... or this?...

and after a bit of wonderful masturbation earlier today i realized that it has been years since i fell in love with someone on any level... it is perspective, my perspective that has changed... i see the fear in the faces and i realize they do not trust themselves and therefore they cannot trust me and therefore, unlike before, i do not pretend to forget that i am a fool to unconditionally trust them... i know too much, see too much, feel too much, perceive too much, sense too much, and think too much... but how to un-know the signs?...

forgiveness

so how the hell are you and what do you want
to come out and play as if you can still flaunt
the words that seduce me as only you can
as long as i don't show how easy i am

but you can pretend i am hard to get
you can look past my slutty girl with no regret
and my pathetic child is easy to forget
beggars for love have no real home yet

out on the street corner with those wide-eyes
like a stray dog much more lucky than wise
follow you home for as long as you say
and after he's gone he never goes away

but like that hotel in california
the junkies and love children wouldn't warn ya
'bout the endlessness of endless love maybe lust
and the power of passion is what we should trust

but we all choose to be just what we settle for
even if there are demons knocking on the door
we can keep them at bay with a cowardly roar
cuz it's all just illusion to see or ignore

so you want me to love you again here we are
cuz running the same circle never gets us far
and the love never changes even when we do
ignore it, accept it, it's still up to you

maybe now you might know this, maybe now you will cry
for the child you set up and left behind to die
gasp, but you won't back up if you really know what's true
that child is not me she has always been you

all the words ever written on the high or low shelf
are worth less than nothing until...
you forgive yourself

. . .

so how the hell are you and what do you want?
to come out to play as if you can still flaunt
the words that seduce me as only you can
well be who you are that's a part of the plan

(thank you dan)