alone for years

the first time i fell in love i was not thinking much... so young and unconditional... naked, touching, humping, rolling on each other... so little fear at 4 years old... from then until just a few years ago i was in love and physically sharing love (and sexually active, shared or not) every day of this life... most years i had an active partner, but when i did not, i easily immersed myself in a fantasy of someone, at least visually... unconditional trust and falling in love was just being me...

all that changed just after the millennium changed... i found myself less willing to compromise... but even from a distance, in fantasy, i found myself more challenged to find someone who would inspire me to fall in love... even on the pure physical level, i found myself more challenged to find someone who would turn on libido... and most important of all, i found myself more challenged than ever to find someone who inspired me to want to trust unconditionally... and i write this wondering - do you understand that?... or this?...

and after a bit of wonderful masturbation earlier today i realized that it has been years since i fell in love with someone on any level... it is perspective, my perspective that has changed... i see the fear in the faces and i realize they do not trust themselves and therefore they cannot trust me and therefore, unlike before, i do not pretend to forget that i am a fool to unconditionally trust them... i know too much, see too much, feel too much, perceive too much, sense too much, and think too much... but how to un-know the signs?...

all

i wold tell you all my secrets if you cared to listen intensely enough to stay awake because you felt you could not stop listening for the sheer fascination of wanting to know me that much...

we don't have to fall in love, we just have to care enough...

sincerity

if I fell in love with you
would you want me to
come closer
or mover farther away

if I fell in love with you
oh what would you do
come closer
or move farther away

intensity
can be an enemy
it’s much easier to be
superficial friends

but honesty
has more appeal for me
and yet sincerity
leads to such sudden ends

so if I simply smile at you
would you want me to
come closer
or move further away

if I simply smile at you
oh what would you do
come closer
or move farther away

humanity
can be an enemy
it’s much easier to be
oblivious to love

oh can you see
that insecurity
makes love the enemy
and so they look above

when the real world gets too scary
do you pray
or do you find a way
to stay?

reality
can be an enemy
it’s much easier to be
lost in fantasy

but honesty
has more appeal for me
and so sincerity
is my way to be
sincerity
sets me free

so if I shared myself with you
whatever you choose to do
come closer
or move farther away

I will still smile at you
and wish you well
and are free to come or go
and if you want to know
when my true feeling show
I would rather
you’d stay