alone for years

the first time i fell in love i was not thinking much... so young and unconditional... naked, touching, humping, rolling on each other... so little fear at 4 years old... from then until just a few years ago i was in love and physically sharing love (and sexually active, shared or not) every day of this life... most years i had an active partner, but when i did not, i easily immersed myself in a fantasy of someone, at least visually... unconditional trust and falling in love was just being me...

all that changed just after the millennium changed... i found myself less willing to compromise... but even from a distance, in fantasy, i found myself more challenged to find someone who would inspire me to fall in love... even on the pure physical level, i found myself more challenged to find someone who would turn on libido... and most important of all, i found myself more challenged than ever to find someone who inspired me to want to trust unconditionally... and i write this wondering - do you understand that?... or this?...

and after a bit of wonderful masturbation earlier today i realized that it has been years since i fell in love with someone on any level... it is perspective, my perspective that has changed... i see the fear in the faces and i realize they do not trust themselves and therefore they cannot trust me and therefore, unlike before, i do not pretend to forget that i am a fool to unconditionally trust them... i know too much, see too much, feel too much, perceive too much, sense too much, and think too much... but how to un-know the signs?...